Derailment – via Amnesia & Apathy

I’ve been bawling a lot lately. No, not your simple ‘cry yourself snot-filled’ sort of fits of sadness. I’m talking, full-on, cannot breath because I’m weeping type of bawling. No noise escapes my throat because I’m too deeply and too entirely enthralled in a full-on bawling session. Emotions SO deep and vast that even after I’ve forced myself to stop the tears because I almost passed out from the intensity, I still feel just as badly as I did before the only choice left was to cry that hard.

That’s what I’ve been doing. Literally bawling my brains out until my guts hurt and I’m choking on air. Why? Because the first doctor that ever cared enough about me to listen – stopped caring and has given up on me. What I didn’t know is – this occurred a while ago. I’m so brain damaged and amnesiac that I truly didn’t fully realize it until recently. Is that all? No. There’s a LOT going on inside of me. So much so, that explaining it all would likely cause a ripple affect of self-loathing and deeply seated depression — which I’m NOT willing to spread.

Amnesia’s the worst. I cannot think of a single thing that hurts more than losing your entire world on a regular basis. I’ve lost babies, relationships, entire houses full of hard-work filled belongings and comfort, and pets, people, jobs I loved, abilities, and so much more. What hurts worst? Memory loss. None of the immense losses of my past could ever have prepared me for recurring memory loss. I’m not talking about the whole “why’d I come into the kitchen” stuff, I’m talking about decades of my life being wiped. The very few flashbacks of happiness, sadness, and horror, only make matters worse.

You’d think small flashes of your own past would help fit things back together, but for me – it doesn’t. It only confuses me and makes me wonder why in the world I was put into so many horrifying situations. (Most of my flashbacks are horrendously intense and scary – not the kind of “take me back to the good’ol’days” sort of thing you’d likely remember about a well-rounded, warm, and gentle childhood.) My flashbacks are waking nightmares. It’s no wonder I have PTSD. I had it long before this last brain injury or amnesia. With what little information I have about my childhood, young adult years, and even more recently, I am left wondering where anyone who loved me was.

That makes me bawl even more. Feeling like I’d been abandoned during tumultuous times of great need… that’s what my doctor’s done. . . rather – he’s neglected every need I’ve had, and is borderline malpractice. Is it malpractice if your patient needs long-term cognitive and physical rehabilitation and you never refer them out for it? Is it malpractice to dish out medication that makes amnesia worse? There’s a lot more, but I’ll only start getting fiercely angry and start bawling again – because there’s not a damned thing I can F*CKING do about it.

So yes – I’ve been emotionally derailed. All this time, I’ve been fighting for my right to get better. I’ve been fighting for my human dignity to be able to improve myself, my health, my situation, and my future. Everything pinning on the do’s or do not’s of my doctor. Not only did he lie to me and continually deceive me, but he’s forced me into a medical situation that could have been entirely avoided if he’d simply done the bare minimum of his duties as a doctor.

No amount of income can justify neglecting a patient as entirely as I’ve been neglected. There is no “reward” for it. There’s nothing at all he’d get out of it other than the self-satisfaction (sadistically) of hurting me so entirely, and controlling SO much of my life by it. LITERALLY, there’s NOTHING else he could have gained from this mistreatment and annihilation of my future. Nothing!

So… bawling…. there’s nothing more I can do. I’m tired. I’m defeated. He’s won. I’m SO tired in fact, that I cannot even bring myself to sue him or his practice/network, or to even care enough about myself anymore to do anything else for myself. I’m derailed in every meaning of the word. I don’t even care anymore. I used to be a lioness, a survivor of impossibly horrible things, and he’s caged me and tamed me, and raped my will to fight for a better life right out of my very soul.

2015 © Tara Davidson

2015 © Tara Davidson

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