Heart Break…

I have arthritis and fibromyalgia, plus nerve damage and bone degeneration disease – so I always feel like an old lady …. (I have more than just this list – but this is what I’m sharing right now.)

My specialist (rheumatologist) told me that light yoga and resistance exercise was best – but to never push it too far or I’ll damage myself worse.

 

I used to think my Dad truly understood, but two days ago he really discouraged me by saying that “{I} have NO idea what age feels like yet!” – I mean, he almost yelled this at me. I about cried, got angry, fell apart. I did nothing. I just sat there in a state of stunned. I just sat there at his table… waiting for my body to react to what my mind and heart felt in that moment – but nothing at all happened. I didn’t tear up and cry. I didn’t say anything that my throat felt obligated to say. I didn’t argue or tell him off. I just sat there, stunned and feeling the pang of heart break.

It’s so very hurtful that the people who I assumed understood me the most just dismissed the very real and horrendous pain I’m in — pain they’ve barely even tasted. Pain they haven’t aged into yet. Pain they’ve felt temporarily during illnesses, broken bones, and injuries that healed — even with scar tissue. They don’t know how it feels to be in constant turmoil physically. Their illnesses cleared up and they got better. Their broken bones were set, slowly healed, and even with scar tissue – they healed. They just don’t understand – and that hurts.

It broke my heart. I feel emptier. I feel invalidated. I feel as though I’m never going to know anyone who truly understands all of this. Not just my amnesia (ongoing) – but the physical torture each day brings me. Being imprisoned in a body of hurt, and a mind of lost-ness. It is agonizing, and I always make it through each day. I’ve not given up in any entirety. I’m still here fighting – no matter how alone I am.

I hope to NEVER make anyone else feel that way. To feel as though they’re partially understood. To feel as though they’ve been invalidated and misunderstood. To feel like they’ve been ripped from someone else’s heart and mind through dismissal and a betrayal of thinking they’re understood – but then suddenly jolted away from understanding into outright derailment. I NEVER want to make someone feel like I do right now. Heartbroken and alone.
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