Fickle Memory

 I watched a movie a year ago that no fraction of which rings any bells for me.

This tends to happen with me over and over again. I’ll have done, said, listened to, or watched something that I’ll have zero memory of.

This is memory loss… at it’s cutest and less-vile.
In truth, memory loss can be quite frustrating for the most part, but also VERY scary.
Knowing you’ve done something but having NO recollection of it is intensely troubling.

I can imagine how people with Alzheimer’s feel – in a state of constant rotation of memories – not knowing what’s happening now or in the past, but it all feeling present. I’ve had lapses where I thought something that occurred two years ago was current reality – but after snapping back to ‘now’ I felt as though I’d gone insane.

Having no control of past, present, or recent history in my own mind. MY mind.
The thing I rely on to hold my memories near and dear, and accessible whenever I want them – but I cannot.

That feeling of not being in control is infuriating and fear-filled. Sure, some parts of memory loss are totally hilarious, but most of it is a nightmare. A waking nightmare.

I won’t lie, I DO laugh at myself quite often. I try to make light of the seriousness of how horrible memory loss/amnesia really is. I attempt to see my reality as a painful but funny life-long joke. A series of comedies and tragedies aligned as what is my life now.

Seeing the bad and the good is my way of coping with this life of mine.

I guess the moral here is – no matter what’s going on, and no matter how painful it gets, find ‘the funny’… find the joy, the jokes, and the lighter side of a bad situation. 🙂

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