Thursday, October 23, 2014
A physical reminder are those precious “things” that we keep to prove that someone was really, physically here and a part of our lives.A memory of the mind is one of those “intangible” things that we simply hold within our thoughts.
When we lost our house, our belongings, our physical memories just a couple of weeks before my TBI accident, it ruined any chance of – at the very least – the ability to cherish those physical memories of things that after being told my life stories, I could keep and appreciate.
My memories of my mind are also gone. There is no real way for anyone to understand the complexities of reconfiguring a life you don’t even remember in entirety. There’s no depth or measure or fair comparison for me to adequately describe the ways in which it complicates, threatens, and can destroy an entire life of someone whom is still alive.
I am still physically here, but I have nothing of my past to render meaning from. There is nothing to cherish except for the primordial emotional levels in which I contemplate my life stories told to me by 2nd and 3rd parties whom all couldn’t possibly be as accurate or as fairly eloquent as my own memories could have been.
The losses I am faced with, and are still with me, cannot have the “closure” and “ending” that a fair death has. When people die, they are said goodbye to, remembered, and experienced one last time at their final resting place. I feel often times like I’m a walking empty coffin. I realize how drastically morbid and dark that would seem for someone to feel about themselves, but it’s the truth.
All of the wonderful things I conceptualize, artistically and so forth, doesn’t compare to the emptiness of amnesia and the loss of my life’s work of collecting physical memories (which are inanimate objects of little physical value/& the simple basics that any self-sufficient adult acquires) and the literal memories of everything that had gotten me to where I was in life when this all occurred.
I am an upbeat and positive, forward thinking person… but this loss is heavy, and it is made worse when each day of my life is full of physical pains that some days I cannot even handle.
Life is effen tough -dare I even say, “unfair,” but the underlying truth of it all is:
It is up to EACH of us as individuals to choose how to handle the seriously heavy and sucky things that life throws into our lives. I’m doing my very best not to just collapse under the gravity of my situation. I do my honest to goodness hardest work, every single day. I will not give up – and I’m hoping others going through sincerely rough times can muster the same willingness to thrive.