What amnesiacs (may) go through day-to-day

Thursday, October 16, 2014

What amnesiacs (may) go through day-to-day

Here’s a crude run-down of just a ‘few’ of the things those with memory loss issues go through:

*Agitation/Frustration:

We can be easily frustrated because we wish to be more productive and to remember more and do better. We notice when we’re not quite “measuring up” to those around us. It makes us feel so frustrated sometimes that the agitation usually looks like anger from the outside.

*Un-comfort-ability:

We can tell in the faces and attitudes of others when we’ve forgotten something – even the most simple of things can cause others to react with the same agitation/frustration that we have when we’re not measuring up. It causes that ‘awkward & uncomfy’ feeling that can linger.

*Overwhelmed:

Not being able to keep track of the things we know are important and value tends to be quite overwhelming and overbearing at times. There’s nothing more we want than to remember more and do better. When we don’t, or when we try and cannot, it sends a bit of panic and shock through us.

*Helplessness:

Sometimes that panic and shock of the inability to form lasting or long-term memories can make us feel lost, lonely, helpless, and hopeless. Remembering things is the key to productivity. If we cannot remember things properly, we know and feel that something is “missing” or “unfinished”. At times it can be a bit daunting in the emotional-arena.

*Lost:

At times, when we’re at a loss for words, thoughts, memories, or solutions, we feel lost. I know when I feel lost it is usually because I’ve completely forgotten what I was doing, how important it may (or may not) have been, or that something I held in my memory bank suddenly vanishes.

*Confusion:

Many times when there’s missing memories, whether long- or short-term, it causes an avalanche in our minds. If we cannot piece together something that makes sense, the end-result is usually confusion (mixed with a few or all of the previous emotions/feelings.)

*Anger:

There’s nothing more infuriating than being on-path and then suddenly being derailed in mid-thought/mid-action. Let’s say you were writing a very important note and in mid-sentence you completely lost your train of thought and were sitting there perplexed. After numerous times of this (or the importance level of it,) the eventual result (and easiest emotion to feel) is anger. Sometimes, it pops out no matter how demure or strong our self-control is. Sometimes we just have to express it. (Sorry y’all )

*Dismay:

Feeling lost, confused, and overwhelmed can cause the feeling of being dismayed. It’s a bit of mental shock, in my opinion. Sometimes, it just captures us and holds us in a state of shut-off. When things get too confusing or too “heavy” we are just stuck (even if only for a mere moment or so) it can feel like an eternity. Kind of like being 4 years old in the grocery store and suddenly your parent(s) are gone and you have a good cry because you have no clue what to do or how to find them.

That’s just a ‘few’ of the things people who have memory-loss issues can feel at any given moment, of any day/night. Sometimes, (I’m not ashamed to admit this) I get “lost” on my way to use the restroom or get a glass of water… it can happen at any time.

(Thank GOODNESS I have a loving family who love and guide me whenever it’s needed.)

Until next blog -Tara-

Advertisements

Life Before Amnesia – What do I do with it?

Perhaps there’s no reason at all to figure out my personal history pre-amnesia;
~ or try to resolve and solve any unresolved issues or problems I’d created,
~ and there’s no reason to finish anything I’d started,
~ or to mend broken relationships with people who I don’t even remember/don’t remember having unresolved and broken relationships with….
(All Pre-Amnesia, I mean…)

Perhaps it’s best if I just left my previous(pre-amnesia) life in a state of disarray – without any regard for anything or anyone other than me….

Sound like some bullshiz?
Well, it IS. It doesn’t feel right…. now that I’ve realized there’s an entire life of messes that I never got the chance to clean up.

I feel I have a responsibility, even though I don’t recall any-effing-thing, to clean up my life -yes, including the old crap.. the crap that is STILL holding me back even though I wasn’t aware it existed… because it is MY history. It belongs to me and everyone who experienced it with me. That’s how life works, right? Am I wrong? Correct me if I’m wrong.

Yup, the wounds and the trash that I don’t even remember are still messing with my life.
It’s up to me to clean it up, because even though I’ve no effing clue how things happened, when, where, or who with, I don’t get a free pass because I have amnesia.

Nobody cares that I am living a clean slate – that only means something to me — to everyone else, I’m the same old pile of stinking mess I always had been. It doesn’t matter that I have zero recollection of my entire life.
Everyone else has their pieces of my life’s puzzle, and I’ll never see the whole thing. That’s just reality.
I’ll never have possession of every piece.
I’ll never know what happened, when, how, why, or who with.
6cc05b9ff802462f5bc9da0999fbc41e

PTSD does partially define me..

Here’s my version of something I’ll link RIGHT HERE:

I wasn’t hurt just at the places I’ve worked. I was hurt by an entire lifetime of abuse. Not just by one abuser, but by all of them. I was hurt by invisible illnesses and numerous brain injuries that happened over the years – not just by abusers, work, or home accidents. On the outside, I do walk with a limp when my pelvic bone and hips hurt from sciatic and other nerves that have been damaged, but not all the time. I do wince from pain when it is so strong that it feels like lightning, hot and cold at the same time, erupting through me without any warning signal. I do have aching joints and every bone in my body always seems to feel like they’re broken. When we talk, I’ll smile, and most times we’ll laugh, because my pain is so great that I try my best to hide it. I try to be a great listener, but sometimes my amnesia-brain kicks in hard, and I can’t keep up with what you’ve said — but I DO try. You can look into my eyes and see both joy and pain.

I didn’t get hurt by a single abuser, a single accident, or a single blow to my head. I’ve carried emotions that don’t even have a place or a name, because of amnesia. I’ve also carried deep emotions from the abuses, neglect and upheavals of my life and those I love and care about. I tried to grieve at first but it was too overwhelming to handle. I’ve hidden, judged myself more harshly than I’ve ever deserved, and have spared those I love from what I’m really living day-to-day. I’ve held my own babies as they took their first and last breaths. I’ve held strangers in front of my old house who died because help wouldn’t come – because they were homeless and assumed druggies. I’ve comforted others who have struggled with heartbreaks and pains – just like we all have. I suffered in silence my entire life… from the age of toddler until the age of 33 – when I finally decided after amnesia freed me from myself and my past, that I couldn’t hide anymore.

No, I didn’t save people for a living, but I saw and went through atrocities just the same. I was helpless to save lives, and helpless to save my own. Unlike the lady who saved lives by choice and profession, I too have PTSD, but I fear it will never be something I can recover from. All the power of my own mind and willpower of my soul cannot erase what I’ve gone through. No matter how much I expose myself safely to the things that trigger my wounds/PTSD outbreaks, I never feel safer or more in-control.

While some people believe that they can accomplish anything – I being one of them to a point – there are certain things, no matter how much therapy or exposure can heal. I won’t heal from my memories being erased from my own mind, being attempted murdered by a lunatic driver who left me for dead three years ago, an abusive man masquerading as my savior(human-kind) thrashing me and beating my skull out of rage and contempt for himself and what he allowed to happen – and what he’d done himself to me for many years – to just be healed. Or the years of silence of the abuses I endured/survived as a child, teen, and young adult… by all who took advantage of me and used me.

Some things, ladies and gentleman, cannot be healed. This is why I’ve learned to live within my own emotional means, not over-stress myself, and not try too hard for anyone but myself. I’ve pushed myself harder than I ever thought possible, and I’m proud of that. I’ve overcome each milestone in the journey I’m on, and will continue to… but… there are certain things that just can’t heal. For me, there are too many. For me, I may die (hopefully an old woman) still without those things being healed. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’m proud that I can assume they won’t eat my emotions to the point of doing something terrible to myself. Trust me, it has run through my mind before – but it will never happen.

I love making others smile, and I feel as though I survived all of the horrendousness in order to help others – no matter how petty I believe their issues are, or how entirely similar they are to my own – they are important to the person going through it. Everything is huge, hurtful, and life changing if it is new. That’s the point. Get through “this” so you can get through “that next thing” and so on.

brain

Heart Break…

I have arthritis and fibromyalgia, plus nerve damage and bone degeneration disease – so I always feel like an old lady …. (I have more than just this list – but this is what I’m sharing right now.)

My specialist (rheumatologist) told me that light yoga and resistance exercise was best – but to never push it too far or I’ll damage myself worse.

 

I used to think my Dad truly understood, but two days ago he really discouraged me by saying that “{I} have NO idea what age feels like yet!” – I mean, he almost yelled this at me. I about cried, got angry, fell apart. I did nothing. I just sat there in a state of stunned. I just sat there at his table… waiting for my body to react to what my mind and heart felt in that moment – but nothing at all happened. I didn’t tear up and cry. I didn’t say anything that my throat felt obligated to say. I didn’t argue or tell him off. I just sat there, stunned and feeling the pang of heart break.

It’s so very hurtful that the people who I assumed understood me the most just dismissed the very real and horrendous pain I’m in — pain they’ve barely even tasted. Pain they haven’t aged into yet. Pain they’ve felt temporarily during illnesses, broken bones, and injuries that healed — even with scar tissue. They don’t know how it feels to be in constant turmoil physically. Their illnesses cleared up and they got better. Their broken bones were set, slowly healed, and even with scar tissue – they healed. They just don’t understand – and that hurts.

It broke my heart. I feel emptier. I feel invalidated. I feel as though I’m never going to know anyone who truly understands all of this. Not just my amnesia (ongoing) – but the physical torture each day brings me. Being imprisoned in a body of hurt, and a mind of lost-ness. It is agonizing, and I always make it through each day. I’ve not given up in any entirety. I’m still here fighting – no matter how alone I am.

I hope to NEVER make anyone else feel that way. To feel as though they’re partially understood. To feel as though they’ve been invalidated and misunderstood. To feel like they’ve been ripped from someone else’s heart and mind through dismissal and a betrayal of thinking they’re understood – but then suddenly jolted away from understanding into outright derailment. I NEVER want to make someone feel like I do right now. Heartbroken and alone.
5bc173d89072668635c35a615a70269a